You know you're a cop spouse when . . .

You know you're a cop spouse when . . .

You don't know what day of the week it is because you quit working some time ago and his weekend is Mon-Tues-Wed.
You don't even PLAN on having him home for dinner because after 27 years, it's hit and miss.
You eat cereal for supper when he's on duty because its easier than fixing something for just one person.
You celebrate Valentines Day by going out riding with him.
You celebrate 4th of July, anniversaries, birthdays and most other special days by going out riding with him.
You know all the 10 codes.
You know what a deuce is.
You don't have arguments; you get into a 415.
You love the sound of Velcro in the morning.
You have a list of restaurants in your head where you can't eat.
You have to run in and pick up the take out because "I think I arrested someone from there last night."
When you go to the escrow office to sign the paperwork for your new house, he hesitates at the front door and checks his feet for blood because he doesn't want to track blood into the office.
He knows the inside of many of the houses in your little town.
You can build your own fence and fix all sorts of things around the house.
He goes to the grocery store and comes home much later than he should have because he saw someone who had a warrant/was stealing booze.
You say your last name and people say they know your husband.
Little kids tell your kids that their daddy knows your daddy . . . And it's not in a good way.
You've got a black and white in your driveway and everyone in town knows where you live.
Your kids end up with a wicked, cynical sense of humor "just like your dad."
You're used to him not disbelieving, but not 100% believing everything you tell him.
You've been told, "everybody lies.”
You don't say "ok" you say 10-4.
You're en route when you're on your way.
You don't say “what" you say 10-9.
You've had arguments about all the OT he's worked and HASN'T put in for.
You miss doing holidays with extended out of town family.
Your family, some of them, still don't understand why "he can't just take the time off."
You know what to look for in a drunk driver.
Your own investigative skills are pretty good and you can tell when your kids are lying.
When your daughter's not home yet and it's three in the morn, you don't hesitate to call the SO and they help you locate her "watching stars" up in the mountains with a boy (and she really is watching stars).
You know just how much you can speed over the limit without inviting a traffic stop.
You refer to getting pulled over as a traffic stop.You're told not to touch his clothes because of something icky on them.
You get poison oak off your husbands uniform because he was "down in the creek looking for bums."
You know what methyl-ethyl-bad-shit is.
You don't call to find out why he's late until its been a couple of hours past when you expected him because he’s rarely home right after work.
You know what choir practice is.
Your husband got to meet Blankie from The Brave  Little Toaster . . . professionally . . . and not in a good way.
Steven Segal looks up to your husband.
Your husband comes home smelling like weed.
Nothing seems to get his adrenaline going and it drives you crazy because you maybe have a few ADD tendencies and all sorts of things are exciting and don't you just see how cool this is?
You listen to the scanner for company and because its comforting to hear his voice.
You've had death threats, kids have had threats, he's had threats. Everyone's been threatened but, thank God, no bad guys have been stupid enough to follow through on those threats.
You're used to tiptoeing around very quietly.
You've had turkey dinner at the office on Thanksgiving.
You've had Christmas dinner at the office.
Your 5 year old refers to her daddy as an owl.
Your sweetheart brings home wild daffodils he picked at the cemetery overnight.
He takes cigar breaks at the cemetery in the middle of the night.
You've cried like your heart is breaking because one of the local deputies was killed in a shoot out.
You have to worry about shoot outs.
You never ever EVER want to see a cop car that isn’t his show up at the house, with another vehicle you may not know, when he's on duty.
You run down to pick the kids up from school or go to the store and he calls you to tell you there's a gun under the seat and just leave it there and don't forget to lock the car.
You have dark curtains around your four poster bed.
You screen all your phone calls.
You know what a blue canary is.
You have to move his belt and his vest from your chair so you can sit down.
There's all sorts of reading material laying around the house, from evidence handling to legal updates to case law to the new computer system.
He gets phone calls at home at all hours when the computer at work crashes, when someone needs to know how to write a search warrant, when someone has a question about whether or not they can search a car, when someone has a question about how to write a report and on and on.
You discuss training scenarios.
You go to wild parties in your younger days, family bbqs in your mid years, and then feel forgotten when you're older because all the young kids are out having their wild parties and family bbqs and they either don't think about inviting you or just figure you know you're welcome, but you don't really realize that because in your day people called to invite you over.
Your granddaughter tells you that Grandpa's job is more important than yours because "he keeps us safe."
You have a drawer with Jim Brown leather equipment, keepers, bullets, batteries, extra flashlights, and a myriad of other things all flung together.
You know what Jim Brown leather is.
You don't have a "honey do" list, you have a "honey, look what I did" list.
It's not yes or no, it's affirmative or negative.
You refer to the PD as your second home.
Your kids run around and play at the PD and don't think that's out of the ordinary.
You’ve always got Tums and baby powder on hand.
He’s had more injuries than a professional football player.
You know more about the meniscus and supraspinatus than you care to.
He has more naked stories than a porn star.
There are photos of evidence, car accidents and random people on his cell phone.
You both joke about you dragging him out to his car if he keels over at home.
You have Tuesday daytime sex.
You know what a donnybrook is.
You know what he's talking about when he says he got a 10851 when he was on his way to C7 and the guy was 11-5 and 148'd him so he went 1015 and sent him south.
He drives past the fire chief/volunteer firefighters/on duty cops/deputies while he's off duty and they flip each other off.
You know the phonetic alphabet.
You can sing the phonetic alphabet to the tune of the regular alphabet song without stumbling.You’re paranoid to let your kids/grandkids out of a fenced yard on their own because you know what can happen, even in sleepy little towns.
You don't like cop/donut comments because your husband works his ass off.
You end up a changed person just as much as he does, though not in the same ways.
You can say that your husband has made a change in the world and you can point out people he's saved, in one way or another, and you're so proud of him and you realize you'd do it all over again, despite all the negatives, because that's just who he is.


There's more, but it's late and my pillow is calling me.  

Law Enforcement Life - IT'S NOT JUST A JOB

I know, I know.  I haven't been on here in AGES.  But here I am now.  A new cop wife on the National Police Wives Association page asked a question that I responded to.  I thought it'd be nice to post my answer here.  I'm not sure how it'll work with formatting, but I'll give it a try.

Her question:

"My husband just started with the sheriff's department and just found out he is going to be working nights. I'm really struggling with it! I have a 2 year old and also due on Aug 4th. I support my hubby and don't want him to see me secretly freaking out that he won't be home @ night and I'm a little nervous that I can't do it all! How did other Leo wives deal with this? Thanks."

My response:

Our small department works 12's and my husband prefers nights as it's when you can get the most done as far as being a crimefighter. After 30 years it's become our normal way of life. 

Someone mentioned reading I Love A Cop by Dr. Ellen Kirschman. It's an excellent book and I highly recommend it. In fact, we recommend it to all of the new cops' families (this includes their parents). I'd also suggest you read Emotional Survival by Dr. Kevin Gilmartin. He's a retired cop and everything he says WILL apply to you and your family. Get to know the other wives in the department and get to know your neighbors. If you need someone in a hurry, and your husband can't get away, they'll come in handy. 

When our kids were little, and not yet in school, we adjusted their schedule to match their daddy's, without getting it too out of whack. Depending on what kind of shift he works (10's, 12's, 8's), you might be able to do that. We let our girls stay up later so they could spend time with him and then we just slept in later. 

You get used to being a married single parent and you just do it because it's what you need to do. Your feelings are going to be hurt many times when he'll be unable to be around for Mother's Day, Easter, Christmas, etc. Get yourself a good support system so you don't end up being alone and lonely on important days. That'll just make you miss him more and make you resentful. We ended up in a small town, 4 hours away from any family members. Getting to know the other families in the department was so important. 

Remember that he really is married to you, not to his job, and that getting home to you and your family is his number one priority, even if it doesn't always feel like it. This is his calling and what you're doing is your calling. BOTH of you are now in this big wide world of "public service." It definitely won't always be appreciated by the outside world, but then again GET YOURSELF A GOOD SUPPORT SYSTEM OF OTHER LEO FAMILIES. Have I said that enough times?  Good luck. I wouldn't trade these last 30 years for anything. 

And . . . no heavy conversations, arguments, fights, etc. before he leaves for work. You don't want a distracted/ticked off cop on the street. It's dangerous for him, dangerous for his partners and dangerous for whomever he needs to protect. 

One more thing . . .  . . .When you're a cop, it's not just for the time you're at work. Go to the grocery store and run into someone with a warrant and he'll end up doing his work on "family" time. He'll get called out when you have plans. He'll have court on his time off. He'll see things happen off duty and he'll need to address them. It's not a job. It's a life. You'll get used to it.

And (one more thing . . . really), if it's allowed in your department, go on ride-alongs when you can. You need to see what your husband does. It will give you a very good understanding of what he has to put up with. It's that whole 8 hours of boredom followed by 30 seconds of sheer terror thing. Plus you'd be amazed at the number of (how to put this nicely) stupid people they have to deal with.

To be continued . . .

Part 2

Everyone lies.
Expecting the worst.
He will change.
He will see bad things.
Keep the house relatively nice and non-chaotic.  His refuge.
Some things he won't tell you.
Some things he can't tell you.
You'll learn how to do things you never thought you'd do and you'll have to do things on your own.

4th of July, 2010

FRONTIER DAYS FROM THE PAST

July 4, 2010

Adjusting to life in a small town

We've had an influx of new wives to the PD this year (coincides with new officers . . . go figure) and they've been talking about how hard it is moving away from home. That's made me think about how it was for us so I thought I'd jot down some thoughts. I have to go back and try to put myself in my shoes of 23 years ago and try to really remember how things were "once upon a time."

Moving from the spread-out-everything-within-just-a-few-minutes San Jose/Santa Clara Valley to what-do-you-mean-the-Country-Mall-isn't-a-real-mall town of Willits was a bit of a culture shock. Did I say a bit? Make that HUGE culture shock. I remember the first time I went to Safeway after moving here. I was standing in line to check out and everything was moving so slowly! "Good Lord, can't these people move any faster? What in the world do they have to talk about? For that matter, WHY are they standing there gabbing. Chop! Chop! Get a move on! I've got things to do, people to see, places to go!" This was all going on in my head of course. Well, I didn't really have any of those things to do. I was just still in the SJ mindset. In SJ, checkers actually had little signs posted at their registers telling them to move people through quickly and to NOT TALK. Wow. What a difference from here. Here, I discovered, people all knew each other. Going to the grocery store was a social event. You ALWAYS ran into someone you knew so you'd stop and chat and catch up on the local news and gossip. You also knew all the checkers because you'd been going to the grocery store all your life and you probably went to school with them or their kids and maybe you even used to go over and play there or whatever. So, as I discovered, people chatted in line. They weren't in a hurry (generally speaking) and they weren't rude. It's hard to be rude to someone who you know you're going to have to deal with every single time you go to that store. It's not like there are a lot of options to shop somewhere else. So that was my first experience with the differences between my old home and my new home. My first impression was that they were so SLOW here. Turns out that's not a bad thing to be.

Lest I get sidetracked, let me interject something here. I wasn't only adjusting to an entirely new and different place to live. I was adjusting to a new lifestyle. I'd spent the entire prior year working full-time while Mike stayed home with the girls. I worked in a medium-sized semiconductor company. I was one of the two HR Reps. Before getting married, I worked in HR and was fortunate in that I got to do college recruiting. I went to various colleges on the west coast and got to interview engineering soon-to-be-grads to see if they'd be a good fit for our company. This was back in the day of startup computer companies. You know when the company would provide KEGS on Friday afternoons AT WORK. Ok, so I got sidetracked. Where was I? Oh yeah. Big changes. Back to grocery shopping.

So how long did it take for me to adjust to that one thing? I'm not really sure. I think it was a couple of months. I got to know the checkers so eventually I was able to join in on the chatting.

That first year or so I probably went home once a month or so. Maybe even more because I remember going home when Mike was working. I also probably did that for longer than the first year. My sister's kids are the same ages as mine, within just a few months of each other so we used to do a lot of things together. I missed that and I missed all of them. I didn't have as many friends down there as most of them had moved away, but most of my family was there. At that time it was a four and a half hour drive. There've been a lot of changes to 101 between then and now. Now it only takes three hours and fifteen minutes.

What a culture shock it was coming here. At that time, all there was in Ukiah was a Penney's and a ratty old K-Mart. No Mervyn's, no Kohl's, no Home Depot, Walgreen's or WalMart. There wasn't even a Ray's. It was a big empty shell that had been started but never finished. I think the Rite-Aid was a Thrifty's back then. I went from having everything I needed just minutes away to those things I THOUGHT I needed now hours away. To my utter disbelief, the nearest mall was an hour and a half away. And, hello! The Country Mall? (Currently JD Redhouse) That wasn't a mall! It was an old building with a few little shops and a restaurant in it. I thought I'd die. Not really, but . . . no mall? Really?

I love my old home, but the San Jose I love is the San Jose of the 60's, 70's and early 80's. After we left in 1987, it really started changing. In our own little middle-class neighborhood, houses were torn down and big mansions built. Whole cities were completely changed so that now I don't recognize them. I lived there for nearly 30 years and now when I go down there, because so much of it has changed so much that it's unrecognizable, I lose my bearings and get lost! Thankfully, some of it hasn't changed at all so, in parts of it, I can still feel like it's my old hometown. Now there's only one sister left in San Jose. That means that I only go down there a few times a year. I wish it was more, though, because I miss her and I still miss "home."

You know, when we decided to move up here, we intended to stay in Willits for two years or so. In April we'll have been here 23 years. This town kind of grows on you. :o) You get invested in it and in peoples' lives. It takes a while, though. Before we moved up here, we had one weekend to find a place to live. Our first home was in a dark, very shaded house off of Birch. (Thank you Jack Tuttle and Jim Miller for showing up to help us unload our very first day here!) It was down a hill and in a little valley. It was great for walking down to Summer Lake . . . when there was a Summer Lake . . . and for taking walks and hiking on the logging trails. That part of it was great. But we absolutely froze during the wintertime. We weren't at all prepared. Thankfully, we were able to find someplace else after a couple of years. That was a couple of years too long, though.

Other than people at the PD, I started meeting people through my kids. It took about a year, though, because they were only 2 and 3 1/2 when we moved here. They didn't go to preschool, but when Cherlyn started kindergarten, I started making non-PD friends. It was kind of difficult, too, because when we came here, EVERYONE else had either been here for years or they'd lived here forever. There wasn't anyone else with little kids. In fact, the next oldest ones were in high school. The PD definitely wasn't as much of a family place as it is now. I didn't really know the other wives very well. (In fact, some of them had nothing at all to do with the PD.)

That first year was a difficult one. Mike started in April and in August, he and two of the other guys went to a call where a man was refusing to give his son back after visitation. It was in the Van Hotel (back when those were apartments). They got there and the guy had a gun. Turned out one of the guys had to shoot him with, Mike and the other guy as his backup. It was a bit stressful for me. I think what I remember about it the most was Mike coming home from work and us getting the girls up from bed and then going over to one of the guys' house for a bit of a debriefing. The other two guys and their wives were sent to a shrink for a formal debriefing but for some reason they didn't send the rookie and his wife. Go figure. We went to Disneyland on vacation a week or two after it happened and I remember a comment being made about that being our debriefing. Dumb, dumb, dumb. I could've used it.

Mike was in his dream job and he threw himself at it completely. So much so that the rest of us didn't receive as much attention. In fact, after about a year and a half we had to have a "come to Jesus meeting." Things were not good, but they got better after that. For the wives/girlfriends new to this line of work, I would heartily suggest you go on as many ride-alongs as your husband/boyfriend will agree to. I know it's hard with little ones. I rarely went on any because we never had anyone to watch the girls. I always felt left out because there were a couple of other wives who were able to do it whenever they wanted and I couldn't. It's important, though, so that you know what's going on at work. What's the saying? Hours of boredom following by 30 seconds of sheer terror? That's close enough. That's fodder for another note, though.

Back in the older days of the PD, we used to have lots of socializing, plenty of barbecues. I miss those a lot. I think the last time we did anything was at Heiken's house before someone left . . . Tim Snider? No, wait. Jeff did the pumpkin carving at his house. Ok. Never mind what I said. But we need to do more. :o)

I said a ways back that we only intended to stay here for a couple of years and then move on. We actually almost did move on four or five years ago. Mike applied at Sonoma SO and actually got to the background point. Apparently they really wanted him because they kept bugging him and bugging him to do it, but he didn't. He kept putting it off. I finally asked him if he thought maybe there was a reason for that, that maybe he really didn't want to leave. Part of him did (want to leave), but a bigger part of him felt like he needed to stay, that there was still more to do here. So we stayed. Our retirement won't be as good as if we'd left (like probably by half!), but we both think we did the right thing by staying. Others left at the same time for their own reasons . . . all of them good and valid, but we stayed for our own reasons . . . also good and valid. You have to do what's best for your own family, for what feels right for you.

So to the newer people I would say, welcome to your new home. Get to know people. Get involved. Learn about your husband's job. Stay focused on the two of you . . . let him know that there is life outside his job and he needs to remember that. Still visit your old home. Give yourself time to move your heart from there to here. It takes a while, but it will get better. Oh. And Spring, Summer and Fall are beautiful here! They make up for wet, cold, grey, depressing winters. Wait until you see the lilacs and daffodils in the Spring.

4th of July 2009

Frontier Days from the Past

July 2009