You know you're a cop spouse when . . .

You know you're a cop spouse when . . .

You don't know what day of the week it is because you quit working some time ago and his weekend is Mon-Tues-Wed.
You don't even PLAN on having him home for dinner because after 27 years, it's hit and miss.
You eat cereal for supper when he's on duty because its easier than fixing something for just one person.
You celebrate Valentines Day by going out riding with him.
You celebrate 4th of July, anniversaries, birthdays and most other special days by going out riding with him.
You know all the 10 codes.
You know what a deuce is.
You don't have arguments; you get into a 415.
You love the sound of Velcro in the morning.
You have a list of restaurants in your head where you can't eat.
You have to run in and pick up the take out because "I think I arrested someone from there last night."
When you go to the escrow office to sign the paperwork for your new house, he hesitates at the front door and checks his feet for blood because he doesn't want to track blood into the office.
He knows the inside of many of the houses in your little town.
You can build your own fence and fix all sorts of things around the house.
He goes to the grocery store and comes home much later than he should have because he saw someone who had a warrant/was stealing booze.
You say your last name and people say they know your husband.
Little kids tell your kids that their daddy knows your daddy . . . And it's not in a good way.
You've got a black and white in your driveway and everyone in town knows where you live.
Your kids end up with a wicked, cynical sense of humor "just like your dad."
You're used to him not disbelieving, but not 100% believing everything you tell him.
You've been told, "everybody lies.”
You don't say "ok" you say 10-4.
You're en route when you're on your way.
You don't say “what" you say 10-9.
You've had arguments about all the OT he's worked and HASN'T put in for.
You miss doing holidays with extended out of town family.
Your family, some of them, still don't understand why "he can't just take the time off."
You know what to look for in a drunk driver.
Your own investigative skills are pretty good and you can tell when your kids are lying.
When your daughter's not home yet and it's three in the morn, you don't hesitate to call the SO and they help you locate her "watching stars" up in the mountains with a boy (and she really is watching stars).
You know just how much you can speed over the limit without inviting a traffic stop.
You refer to getting pulled over as a traffic stop.You're told not to touch his clothes because of something icky on them.
You get poison oak off your husbands uniform because he was "down in the creek looking for bums."
You know what methyl-ethyl-bad-shit is.
You don't call to find out why he's late until its been a couple of hours past when you expected him because he’s rarely home right after work.
You know what choir practice is.
Your husband got to meet Blankie from The Brave  Little Toaster . . . professionally . . . and not in a good way.
Steven Segal looks up to your husband.
Your husband comes home smelling like weed.
Nothing seems to get his adrenaline going and it drives you crazy because you maybe have a few ADD tendencies and all sorts of things are exciting and don't you just see how cool this is?
You listen to the scanner for company and because its comforting to hear his voice.
You've had death threats, kids have had threats, he's had threats. Everyone's been threatened but, thank God, no bad guys have been stupid enough to follow through on those threats.
You're used to tiptoeing around very quietly.
You've had turkey dinner at the office on Thanksgiving.
You've had Christmas dinner at the office.
Your 5 year old refers to her daddy as an owl.
Your sweetheart brings home wild daffodils he picked at the cemetery overnight.
He takes cigar breaks at the cemetery in the middle of the night.
You've cried like your heart is breaking because one of the local deputies was killed in a shoot out.
You have to worry about shoot outs.
You never ever EVER want to see a cop car that isn’t his show up at the house, with another vehicle you may not know, when he's on duty.
You run down to pick the kids up from school or go to the store and he calls you to tell you there's a gun under the seat and just leave it there and don't forget to lock the car.
You have dark curtains around your four poster bed.
You screen all your phone calls.
You know what a blue canary is.
You have to move his belt and his vest from your chair so you can sit down.
There's all sorts of reading material laying around the house, from evidence handling to legal updates to case law to the new computer system.
He gets phone calls at home at all hours when the computer at work crashes, when someone needs to know how to write a search warrant, when someone has a question about whether or not they can search a car, when someone has a question about how to write a report and on and on.
You discuss training scenarios.
You go to wild parties in your younger days, family bbqs in your mid years, and then feel forgotten when you're older because all the young kids are out having their wild parties and family bbqs and they either don't think about inviting you or just figure you know you're welcome, but you don't really realize that because in your day people called to invite you over.
Your granddaughter tells you that Grandpa's job is more important than yours because "he keeps us safe."
You have a drawer with Jim Brown leather equipment, keepers, bullets, batteries, extra flashlights, and a myriad of other things all flung together.
You know what Jim Brown leather is.
You don't have a "honey do" list, you have a "honey, look what I did" list.
It's not yes or no, it's affirmative or negative.
You refer to the PD as your second home.
Your kids run around and play at the PD and don't think that's out of the ordinary.
You’ve always got Tums and baby powder on hand.
He’s had more injuries than a professional football player.
You know more about the meniscus and supraspinatus than you care to.
He has more naked stories than a porn star.
There are photos of evidence, car accidents and random people on his cell phone.
You both joke about you dragging him out to his car if he keels over at home.
You have Tuesday daytime sex.
You know what a donnybrook is.
You know what he's talking about when he says he got a 10851 when he was on his way to C7 and the guy was 11-5 and 148'd him so he went 1015 and sent him south.
He drives past the fire chief/volunteer firefighters/on duty cops/deputies while he's off duty and they flip each other off.
You know the phonetic alphabet.
You can sing the phonetic alphabet to the tune of the regular alphabet song without stumbling.You’re paranoid to let your kids/grandkids out of a fenced yard on their own because you know what can happen, even in sleepy little towns.
You don't like cop/donut comments because your husband works his ass off.
You end up a changed person just as much as he does, though not in the same ways.
You can say that your husband has made a change in the world and you can point out people he's saved, in one way or another, and you're so proud of him and you realize you'd do it all over again, despite all the negatives, because that's just who he is.


There's more, but it's late and my pillow is calling me.  

Law Enforcement Life - IT'S NOT JUST A JOB

I know, I know.  I haven't been on here in AGES.  But here I am now.  A new cop wife on the National Police Wives Association page asked a question that I responded to.  I thought it'd be nice to post my answer here.  I'm not sure how it'll work with formatting, but I'll give it a try.

Her question:

"My husband just started with the sheriff's department and just found out he is going to be working nights. I'm really struggling with it! I have a 2 year old and also due on Aug 4th. I support my hubby and don't want him to see me secretly freaking out that he won't be home @ night and I'm a little nervous that I can't do it all! How did other Leo wives deal with this? Thanks."

My response:

Our small department works 12's and my husband prefers nights as it's when you can get the most done as far as being a crimefighter. After 30 years it's become our normal way of life. 

Someone mentioned reading I Love A Cop by Dr. Ellen Kirschman. It's an excellent book and I highly recommend it. In fact, we recommend it to all of the new cops' families (this includes their parents). I'd also suggest you read Emotional Survival by Dr. Kevin Gilmartin. He's a retired cop and everything he says WILL apply to you and your family. Get to know the other wives in the department and get to know your neighbors. If you need someone in a hurry, and your husband can't get away, they'll come in handy. 

When our kids were little, and not yet in school, we adjusted their schedule to match their daddy's, without getting it too out of whack. Depending on what kind of shift he works (10's, 12's, 8's), you might be able to do that. We let our girls stay up later so they could spend time with him and then we just slept in later. 

You get used to being a married single parent and you just do it because it's what you need to do. Your feelings are going to be hurt many times when he'll be unable to be around for Mother's Day, Easter, Christmas, etc. Get yourself a good support system so you don't end up being alone and lonely on important days. That'll just make you miss him more and make you resentful. We ended up in a small town, 4 hours away from any family members. Getting to know the other families in the department was so important. 

Remember that he really is married to you, not to his job, and that getting home to you and your family is his number one priority, even if it doesn't always feel like it. This is his calling and what you're doing is your calling. BOTH of you are now in this big wide world of "public service." It definitely won't always be appreciated by the outside world, but then again GET YOURSELF A GOOD SUPPORT SYSTEM OF OTHER LEO FAMILIES. Have I said that enough times?  Good luck. I wouldn't trade these last 30 years for anything. 

And . . . no heavy conversations, arguments, fights, etc. before he leaves for work. You don't want a distracted/ticked off cop on the street. It's dangerous for him, dangerous for his partners and dangerous for whomever he needs to protect. 

One more thing . . .  . . .When you're a cop, it's not just for the time you're at work. Go to the grocery store and run into someone with a warrant and he'll end up doing his work on "family" time. He'll get called out when you have plans. He'll have court on his time off. He'll see things happen off duty and he'll need to address them. It's not a job. It's a life. You'll get used to it.

And (one more thing . . . really), if it's allowed in your department, go on ride-alongs when you can. You need to see what your husband does. It will give you a very good understanding of what he has to put up with. It's that whole 8 hours of boredom followed by 30 seconds of sheer terror thing. Plus you'd be amazed at the number of (how to put this nicely) stupid people they have to deal with.

To be continued . . .

Part 2

Everyone lies.
Expecting the worst.
He will change.
He will see bad things.
Keep the house relatively nice and non-chaotic.  His refuge.
Some things he won't tell you.
Some things he can't tell you.
You'll learn how to do things you never thought you'd do and you'll have to do things on your own.

An Open Letter to the Drunk Driver that Hit My Husband

I received permission from the writer of this letter, An Open Letter to the Drunk Driver That Hit My Husband, to repost it here. To quote her, "The more we share, the more likely we are to get people to understand the bad choice drunk driving is for all involved."

Forget 'don't drive drunk.' DON'T DRIVE TIPSY. We don't all know when we're over the legal limit, but we certainly all know when we're tipsy. When you get to that point, DON'T DRIVE.

I thought this was definitely worth sharing.

Hmmmm Part 2, aka Small Town Cop Wife Life

Small Town Cop Wife Life it is, but it's not going to be a new blog. It's going to be THIS blog. I've redesigned and renamed and added a bunch of links that I've found helpful over the years. I still have my other favorite blogs listed because our cop life is not our only life. We still have to maintain our perspective on other real stuff and not get myopic.

But . . . I've just discovered I'm really hungry. One of the nice things about him working nights? Having cereal for supper.

More later . . . .

Hmmmmm

I'm thinking about doing a new blog about cop wife life. I was thinking I'd call it Sheepdog Wife. But, then . . . cop wife life seems fitting. 'The Cheerful One' just doesn't do it justice. :o) Stay tuned.

Stupid, stupid, stupid

This is absolutely ridiculous. Oakland can't afford to lose cops. What are these city "leaders" thinking? It's basically a war zone down there already. This is only going to make it worse. That's the news in Oakland. Here's MCSO's DSA's response to the County Supervisor's latest "offer."


July 12, 2010

Ms. Teresia Haase Mr. Rick Haeg
Human Resources Director Labor Relations Consultant
579 Low Gap Road 2221 Home Drive
Ukiah, CA 95482 Eureka, CA 95503


DELIVERED VIA EMAIL AND US MAIL


Re: County of Mendocino Last, Best and Final Offer


Dear Teresia and Rick:

I am writing to you on behalf of the Mendocino County Deputy Sheriffs’ Association (MCDSA) and MCDSA President Dan Edwards. This letter is in response to your July 1, 2010, letter to President Edwards.

On July 8, 2010, the County’s Last, Best and Final Offer (LBFO) was presented to the General Membership of the MCDSA. Approximately eighty-five percent (85%) of the membership was represented at this meeting (three meetings were held simultaneously via video conferencing). The membership unanimously rejected the County’s LBFO.

The concerns most expressed by the members towards the County LBFO were the enormity of the compensation reduction (10% wage reduction and the loss of the 6% County contribution towards retirement funding) and the disparity between the LBFO to the MCDSA versus what the County came to agreement with for the Mendocino County Department Head Association on June 8, 2010 – a 10% wage reduction only.

Our members do not understand why and have never been offered an explanation for the reason the Board of Supervisors feels the most highly compensated employees in the County, the Department Heads of the County, are being treated more generously than line level employees. Compensation is compensation whether it is in the form of salary or some other monetary benefit such as an employer contribution towards employee costs, i.e., the 6% the County contributes towards our members’ retirement costs.

A straight 10% wage (compensation) reduction is certainly significant. The reasoning for increasing the reduction for line level employees by 50% (the loss of the County contribution towards retirement costs) over what the County required of Department Heads one month ago is simply unfathomable to our members.

In an effort to maintain a positive relationship between the membership of the MCDSA and the elected representatives of the citizens we serve and protect, we are asking you to not impose your LBFO. Instead, the bargaining team of the MCDSA respectfully asks the Board of Supervisors to direct your negotiator to return to the bargaining table. The MCDSA bargaining team, given the opportunity, will strongly recommend to our membership a successor collective bargaining agreement with (1) a term of one (1) year from date of ratification by the Board of Supervisors, (2) the elimination of the County six percent (6%) retirement contribution effective with the first full pay period following adoption of the agreement by the Board of Supervisors, (3) a reduction of five percent and one-half (5.5%) of base salary for all bargaining unit members effective with the first full pay period following adoption of the agreement by the Board of Supervisors and (4) the tentative agreements referred to in your letter of July 1, 2010. This proposal is a mirror image to the loss of compensation the Board of Supervisors agreed to with the Department Heads Association thirty (30) days ago.

We know the job of the Board of Supervisors is a difficult one. In these economic times, hard decisions have to be made. However, those decisions should be fair and equitable in so far as they affect the work force of the County.

In closing, we ask that you share this letter with the Board of Supervisors in the closed session scheduled for July 13, 2010. It is also our understanding a Special Session of the Board of Supervisors has been scheduled for 9:00 am on July 14, 2010. Should there be any change in the County’s position, please notify either Dan Edwards or myself as soon as possible.


Sincerely,

John R. Noble
Sr. Labor Relations Representative

cc: Dan Edwards, President MCDSA
Rockne Lucia, RLS

We're still not sure what's going to happen with us. They're still in negotiations. It's definitely NOT going to be pretty.